Beetle Kill

BEETLE KILL
Rocky Mountains
Colorado
June 2015

Driving in a car, we turn a bend and a new view of the world appears before us."Oh my god, I don't remember all of this beetle kill.  Look at it.  It's devastating.  Shit, this is worse than I thought. But really, it's an opportunity for the aspens.  We really need the aspen around here, especially in the fall",  KT tells me. She moves on to another topic before I think to ask her why we need the aspen, especially in the fall.

Math Bitch

Mrs. Liebman

Math Bitch

Merion Mercy Academy

Merion Station, PA

1987

I hated math in high school and I don’t think I hated the subject as much as I hated the degrading experience of being in class with Mrs. Liebman, math bitch. She loved my sisters and I was a huge disappointment to her and she took every opportunity to let me know that I would never measure up to my sisters.  So most of my conversations with her were put downs and negative affirmations of a self esteem that was already suffering enough without her efforts.

When I was 32, I returned to my high school to see a musical.  It was at the end of the intermission when Sharon, my sister, told me that she had just been talking to Mrs. Liebman and mentioned that I was in the audience.

“She wants to see you,” Sharon tells me. “She’s in the back, waiting for you.”

I don’t have any desire to see her and I tell Sharon so.

“Oh, go on, just go and say hello to her; it won’t kill you.”

So, I thought, maybe I should.  I took my five-year old niece with me and made my way to the back of the auditorium where she was standing with a man and another woman.

“Hello Mrs. Liebman, I’m Bridget Kelly,” I tell her nervously. As I speak, the house lights flicker to alert all of us to return to our seats.

Before I could continue, she chimes in “Oh, you.  I was just talking about you to my husband.  I told him, Kathy was the talented one.  And Sharon was so bright and Patricia was so sweet.  But you, you were so bad.  But I guess you didn’t turn out so bad after all.  Look, you have a child and she doesn’t seem to be too bad.  Oh well, I have to go back to my seat.  It was nice talking to you.”  And with that, she left me standing there, seething with anger.

Rotating Emergency Shelter

Rotating Emergency Shelter

Tuesday Night

Cecil County, MD

January 2016

930 PM

It’s snowing, just a little bit, the first snow of the season, as I make my way to the Rotating Emergency Shelter.  It’s 10PM, dark and windy. The wind howls and rips right through me.  As I make my way to the basement of the church, I think how lucky these people are to have somewhere to sleep indoors tonight.

The rotating shelter offers a warm respite for 30 homeless people in a county that may have 200 homeless residents.  The shelter is offered from December 1 to March 15. Thereafter, these people are left on their own to find a place to spend the night.

But tonight, this cold, cold night, they have a warm place to stay.

The basement of this church has 12 bunk beds that line the perimeter of the room.  Then there are 10 more cots on the floor. The women sleep on one side and the men on the other side. Cafeteria tables separate the two domains. The room is drab and institutional-looking. But it is warm so that is all that matters.

Some of the guests are already in bed when I arrive.  They have been here since 5PM and have been fed.  There is a small room where people watch television. A few play cards, at the cafeteria tables, but most people linger on and around their small space.

A few people sit at a table and talk amongst themselves. They talk mostly about ways to find something more permanent to live.

 “We’re going to get an efficiency. We been thinking of getting a one bedroom but then I’ll get the kids back and I thought, ‘The hell with that shit. Let them keep the damn kids.’ Hell, they cost me so much damn money. I don’t want them back. They cost me $4000 once.  We ain’t taking them back” one woman blurts out to anyone who is listening.

10PM

“Miss, Madame, hey, can you turn out the lights. They’re right in my eyes”, she complains to me.  This woman is a loner. No one talks to her and her cot is placed directly below a large, florescent light. In order to turn out her light, I’d have to turn out everyone’s lights and it’s too early to do that. But this light aggravates her and she is beginning to express too much irritation.

“Oh shut up,” says the woman in the next cot. “The lights will go off at 10:30. It’s no big deal.”

But it is a big deal to this woman and she struggles to cope with this offensive situation.  I offer her another place to sleep but she doesn’t want to move.  And then, quickly she is asleep and the problem is resolved for the moment.

11PM: Lights Out

“Can we have one more cigarette break”, he asks ever so quietly.  Only a handful is still up at this hour.

“Yea, of course, come on, “ I respond and lead him out to the designated smoking area.  I look back and notice seven other guys following us up the stairs.  I laugh, “Did you really just get out of bed and put your clothes on just to have a cigarette?”

“Yup,” one of them responded. “There isn’t much more in our lives to look forward to.” He lights up and sucks in a long drag of smoke.

They stand in the bitter cold and enjoy a final cigarette before it is lights out for everyone.

Midnight

A man approaches me and asks for cough syrup.

“That kid, the young kid, he’s really sick. He needs some medicine and I know they got something here for him to take.”  He rummages through our medicine box and finds cold medicine.  The kid comes over and he is sick. He really should see a doctor but he probably has no options available to him. He goes back to his cot and dozes off.

1:00AM

The room is dark. Thirty people are sleeping. But it is not quiet.  There is snoring and wheezing and the grinning of teeth. I can hear restlessness amongst some of the sleepers. There is an occasional cough or sneeze.  Someone talks in his sleep. Other than that, all is quiet.

3:00 AM

I am sitting in a chair with my eyes closed.  I have my alarm set for every hour so that I can check up on things.  But I feel a presence before me.  As I open my eyes, I see a woman standing right in front of me.  Her face is almost touching mine. Her hands are braced on the two arms of my chair.

“I need my inhaler, my inhaler,” she wheezes to me. Her warm breath hits my face.

I jump up and get it for her and she is so grateful for the immediate relief. She goes back to bed and sleeps through the night.

4:00AM

The last guest of the evening arrives.  He works until 3:30 AM and is allowed to come in for a few hours to catch some warmth.  He just backs his way to his cot and sleeps in him clothing, jacket and shoes included.

5:00AM

A few people are up and sitting, in the dark, at the tables, waiting for the first cup of coffee for the day.

5:30 AM

I make coffee, which will be ready for the 6AM wake up call for everyone.  The early birds sit and wait for this moment.

6:00 AM: Lights On

The lights are turned on and people begin to rally.  The smokers put on their pants and then they reach for their cigarettes. Off they go for their first cigarette so the day. The others use the washroom and begin to bundle up for the cold day ahead of them.

6:45 AM

Several people are in line already for the bus, which will be here at 7 to take them to the homeless center, a site that will feed them a cold breakfast. It’s also a place where they can receive mail.  I can’t quite understand why they are in a hurry to get out of here.  They really have nowhere else to go.

7:00 AM

The bus takes the first group and those who remain jump back in their cots as they have just been awarded another 15 minutes to lie down, under warm blankets.

7:30 AM

The shelter is now empty.  All that remains is the lingering odor of dirty clothes and stale cigarette smoke.

Graduation- 1981

Graduation 1981

Penn State University

In May, 1981, my brother, Jim graduated with an MBA from Widener.  That same weekend, Sharon graduated from Temple with her MBA.  And then Patricia and I both graduated from Penn State University.  Patricia earned her BS in Geriatric Care and I earned an MEd in School Counseling.  I'm not sure any of really cared about going to our graduation ceremonies.  So my parents and siblings descended on Penn State's campus and we just celebrated together.  Personally, I didn't want to go to my ceremony at all but it was kind of difficult to skip since everyone drove four hours to celebrate with me.

Utah

UTAH

Spring 2007

Each spring break, I picked a state I had never visited before and I booked a flight and a car and traveled without much of a game plan for five days and then I made my way back to the airport and come home. I loved these trips.  They were so easy and really fed my urge to explore, unencumbered with a schedule.

I had my trip to Utah planned when my sister called me and asked if her daughter could join me this year.  Patricia had just gone back to work and Lauren was in 9th grade and she didn't want Lauren alone for the week. When Patricia told Lauren that she would be joining me in Utah, Lauren asked, "What the hell are we going to do in Utah????

"Whatever Bridget wants, that's what." And off we went.

Lauren was a great travel companion. She got to pick the hotel each night as long as it met my criteria: free WIFI, a hot tub and a free breakfast.  We had one rule: no rules.  I found it difficult to answer her questions about what she could and couldn't eat, how many cokes she could consume in one day and could she spend all of her money on several pairs of earring.  I told her this trip was going to be a lesson in adulthood.  She had to decide these things on her own.

We took an all terrain vehicle up and down the rocks in Moab. That ride was thrilling. We snorkeled in a dark, deep cave.  I drove 400 miles for us to see the salt flats which were still under water at this time. And we finished our trip with a tour of the Mormon community.  Initially, I told Lauren not to give anyone her real name and address.  She thought I was being judgmental.  But by the end of the tour, she too, answered every personal question cautiously.  

We traveled again the next spring break and then, the next year, she was too busy for me. While she may have outgrown me, I haven't outgrown her good company.

Camel Ride- Kenya

Camel Ride

Kenya

Spring 1994

This photo was taken over 20 years ago and every time I see it, I have a little pang of guilt.  I was in Kenya with my 70 year old friend, Kathy.  I was 38.  We saw this camel off in the distant and I suggested we see if we could get a ride on the camel.  For a fleeting moment, I had thoughts of us galloping on the beach like something out of Lawrence of Arabia. I was sure it would be great fun.

Kathy was hesitent but I was more persistent and so we approached the two guys who were offering rides. They only had one camel so they told us we had to go one at a time.  And we were going to be lead by one of them so that the camel didn't get away from our control. With that thought of safety, I threw away my thoughts of galloping down the beach.

I forgot why but Kathy went first. And both of us were unprepared for the awkward struggle it takes to get this tall, lanky animal off the ground.  I thought Kathy was going to fall off before the animal even made its final assent from the ground.  He began to drool and he shook his head and glops of warm, slimy drool hit most of us.  It didn't hit me because i back away with a speed that even impressed me.  And then, off Kathy went with this complete stranger as I waited my turn.  I did hear Kathy call out in discomfort and fear but I dismissed her cries because i was now trying to find the courage to admit that I was not getting on this smelly animal.

When Kathy returned and hobbled off, she tried to assure me that the ride wasn't "too bad, it's a little scary but I survived," she told me without any real conviction in her voice.

"I'll have to take your word on that," I tell her.  "I am not getting on that damn thing, let's go," I announced.

"What??"

"Nope!!"

And off we went. She was relieved to be off the top of this beast and I was relieved for never trying.

YARD DAMAGE

Yard Damage
My Front Yard
Carpenter's Point, MD
August 2013



 Water, I love it and I hate it.  I had just finished planting many new perennials.  I was putting the last plant in the ground and a decayed root was giving me some trouble. I felt a tug, some resistance, on some old ground covering that has long rotted away.  A few hours later, I noticed a puddle right around that last plant.  I ignored it and dismissed it as just a little over watering.  But the next day, water was running down my driveway and accumulating in my neighbor's driveway.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I called the plumber who started out with the worse case scenario which put me in a mild panic.  They may have to dig up my entire yard and some of the flooring in the house. Then this big-ass claw shows up and I hurriedly work to put up all the damn plants I just planted. Most were saved but not all of them.  DAMN!!! But I am paying for this machine by the hour.  So I have no other choice but to sacrifice my new Ruby faced Asian lilies.

It turns out the old root from yesterday was wrapped around an old pipe, three feet underneath.  In five minutes, a new pipe is replaced and the dirt is shoveled back on and these two men leave with my $1000 check.  And I had a headache.

I Gave Up Sugar

In 2010, I was struggling with lots of pain in my lower back and knees.  Arthritis set in and I had contemplated getting a cane to help me with my balance.  But then one day, I had had enough me and my sorry-assed excuses.  I caused me to gain this weight.  So now, I decided to get myself out of this mess.  I stopped consuming processed sugar which I never thought I could do.  But I did it and after two weeks, I no longer had any craving for something sweet.  Within the year, I had lost almost 50 pounds and my pain dissipated.  I was one happy bitch!!!!!!!

North East River

The North East River

Carpenter's Point, MD

 

This river calls to me and owns me. I look at it every day, marveling at its beauty. It is shallow and warm so I can step in it in April and I step out sometime in late October.  I kayak in it on a regular basis, even on a fluke warm winter day.  During the day, I bring out one of my many floatation devices and just plop myself on top and float away the day.  When friends join me on the beach, we bring our chairs right into the water and drink beer, no matter what time of day it is. I sit here as the sun goes down.  I built a fire pit and a beach fire tends to drawn my neighbors out, laden down with drinks and cigarettes and laughter. We watch fireworks from multiple locations on July 4th. Sometimes, I bring a small grill to the beach and I cook hot dogs for everyone.

When we have a heavy rain, I like to stand on the edge and watch this calm river churn up small white caps.  After the storm, I like to see what new patterns of erosion have emerged on the beach. And I listen to all of the homeowners right on the beach, run their wet-vacs as they suck up all the water in their house.

When my nephews come to visit in the summer, i make them stay in the water all night with me.  We go in around midnight and we come out just after the sun has come up. We spend the night challenging each other to shell throwing competitions. hold-you breathe competitions and swimming duration competing.  We try to see how far I can walk out before thee water is over my head. But mostly we stand around and marvel that we can stay in this calm water all night.

The river freeze every year but for a short period of time.  I like to go to the edge and throw a rock to determine how thick the ice is. Sometimes, the rock skips a few times and just rests there for a few days.  Other times, it sinks quickly and I know spring is around the corner.

Mrs. Kelly

My mother's parents were Ida and Jack. Everyone called them Ida and Jack.  My friends didn't even know what their last name was.  So they would come over to my house and see my grandparents and mother and shout out, "Hello Mrs Kelly! hello Ida, hi Jack.

My father's parents died young.  I was around six when Doc died.  I vaguely remember him but I do know that every one, even his sons, called him Doc.  So, it was Ida and Jack and Doc as my grandparents.  My other grandmother died at 52, long before I was born, even before my parents were married.  So I have no sense of this woman. She was a grandmother for a very short period of time and I have never heard anyone refer to her as anything but "Mrs. Kelly."  My father always spoke of her with a reverence but he never referred to her as anything other than "my mother."   My mother and her sister-in-laws referred to this woman as "Mrs. Kelly". So for grandparents I have Ida, Jack, Doc and Mrs Kelly.   

 

Jim's 60th Birthday Celebration

JIM’S 60^th Birthday Celebration

May 9, 2014

Philadelphia, PA

I remember when my mother turned 60. I was a little overwhelmed by the fact that my mother was now old.  Kevin, my nephew was five and he was so excited to sing Happy Birthday to her and he counted to 60: “Is she one? No. Is she two? No. Is she three? No.  The song went on and on and I thought we would never get to the end.  We would never get to 60.

Then Jim, my older brother, turned 60 and I don’t know how this happen so quickly.  Turning 60 is a whole new dimension of life. But that was last year and now I am 60 and before I know it, my younger sister will be sixty and how can I have younger siblings who will now be as ancient as my old mother?

McDonald's

McDonald’s

December 2015

Elkton, MD

It is midnight and I am at a McDonald’s because I have to send something out by tomorrow and this is the only place I know that has Internet for free.  So I order a cup of coffee and quickly realized that I am in a microcosm of an unsavory world.

“Yea, your mom swallows my dad’s junk,” bellows through the dining room as teenage boys chat each other up in a manner that only teenage boys can find interesting.

A disheveled man, with one leg, in a wheel chair rolls over to me, “excuse me mam, can I pay you or something to make a phone call for me?” he asks apologetically. “I’m sorta stuck here and I need to make a phone call.’ I tell him that I didn’t bring my phone in with me and he tells me he is sorry he bothered me.  He rolls away from me. Another man sits in the corner, by himself and hacks away, trying to suppress his cough.

As I am ordering my coffee, a young woman is trying to negotiate the price of half of an apple pie.  The kid behind the counter is trying to explain to her that they don’t sell half of an apple pie.  The young woman then puts a few pennies in the Ronald McDonald donation box.  The pennies are a nuisance to her, in spite of the fact that she can’t afford anything from the dollar menu.  She then asks me for 35 cents and I give her a quarter and she now has enough money for a full pie.  After several “thank you mam”, she leaves me alone and eats her warm pie.

The people behind the counter talk of their dreams.  One kid wants to run off to Colorado. “I hear it’s beautiful out there.  I’m going to go there one day”, he announces to all of us.  Someone else is going to enroll in the community college next semester.  And a third food server is leaving this place and going to work at Wal-Mart.

I look around and think, “how did these people get to be so destitute” and then I see all eyes on me and sense that people are wondering, “what’s that old bitch’s story?”