Deb and Lisa’s Big Ass
Wedding
At Last
Smith Playground
Fairmount Park
Philadelphia PA
June 4, 2016
When I first heard that marriage equality was now legal in Pennsylvania I thought of Deb and Lisa immediately. After 20 years of being together they could now get married. I remember being delighted by this thought and then my emotions turned negative. Why weren’t these two allowed to get married 20 years ago? Why was their lifestyle rejected by so many people in our country? And who were we to have judge so harshly, to have interfered so profoundly with the authenticity of Deb and Lisa’s life together.
These two women are
upstanding citizen. They are gainfully employed. They pay taxes every year. They
enrich the lives of children as primary school educators. They have never been
arrested. They have never even had a parking ticket. They have volunteered in
their communities. They help their neighbors. They vote. They have donated
generously to charitable organizations. They loved each other and they raised a
daughter together. This has been their life, their family the last 20 years. But
they have had to live quietly without any legal protection and in judgment by
others. All of a sudden, all of this realization just be me so damn mad.
So when I meet up with Deb,
maybe a month later, I jump on her and immediately insisted that she should
take the lead and get married as soon as possible in Pennsylvania. it was so
important for me to get her to step up for equality. My overwhelming enthusiasm
and insistence intimidated her. As she greeted me I jumped all over her with my
mandate. She stepped back and hemmed and hawed.
“Well I’m not sure”, she
muttered in between my rants. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s
really necessary after all these years. What would it approve now? I just don’t
know”. She was defensive and really didn’t want to explain her thoughts to me.
I backed away.
When I got home that night after
a moment of reflect, I realized I was asking too much of Deb. While her
marriage would now be legal, that didn’t necessarily mean everyone would be accepting
of this opportunity. Getting married now would still be a big emotional risk
for Deb and Lisa. I was forgetting that one huge point. I decided I wouldn’t
mention it again.
Three years later Deb tells
me she and Lisa are now ready to get married. They were now at the point where
they could stand in front of all of their family and friends and say yes we are a couple.
Wedding invitations went out.
The venue was booked. Food was ordered. I
was asked to officiate the marriage ceremony. Speakers were picked. And about 120 people
showed up to celebrate this big event. Deb spoke to the crowd and told them
that she and Lisa had decided that they were not going to get married until
they could be as authentic as possible. They would not marry until they could carry
themselves as a married couple to everyone. She acknowledged that she had
thought about getting married earlier but would’ve had only a small group of
her friends with with her, only those who offer her a safe harbor. But she said
she was not going to get married if she couldn’t stand before all of us and be
completely genuine. The crowd cheered. Deb and Lisa cried a little bit and then
we cheered again. It was a great moment.
This wedding was so different
from any other wedding I’ve ever attended. At the other wedding, it’s just been
assumed that the couple could marry and live as they chose. But this wedding screamed AT LAST!!!!!!!!!! At last we can be authentic, at last we can
be open in our love and joy for each other, at last we don’t have to hide, we
don’t have to play it safe anymore.
There was a very freeing moment and the relief was palatable. The moment
was so uplifting that I was grateful Deb and Lisa waited until they reached
this comfortable point of great joy.
