The Alleyways of China

The Alleyways of China

Henan Province, China

Spring 2012

When I was teaching In China, I mostly traveled to places with one of my students.  I didn't speak any Chinese which could be a challenge if I wandered too far from the mainstream of taxi drivers who could recognize that I needed to return to the nearby university.  But sometimes I did just wander off and roam the alleys.  They were filled with people who struggled to make a living or gathered together to pass the time or hide in the knocks and crannies to avoid the masses of people.

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Lost In The Alleyways

Lost In The Alleyways

Varanasi, India

July 2015

I spent my afternoons in the alleyways to avoid the intense sun.  Once I stepped in to this maze, I was lost.  After two or three turns, I couldn't trace my path.  But it didn't matter.  I wasn't in a hurry.  I just wandered around, tried new foods, talked to merchants and touched piles and piles of silk fabric.

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Struggles

Struggles

I have a lot of struggles. I don’t think I have more struggles than others. But I do think my struggles may be unique to me.

• ·      I struggle every day to get out of bed. When I was working I thought I struggled just to get up so damn early. But now that I’m retired I see that I struggle to surrender to the day every day. I have to force myself out of bed every day no matter what time it is. This is a real struggle for me. 

• ·      I hate cooked carrots peas and lima beans. When I go to somebody’s house for dinner and any of these vegetables are served I struggled through the whole meal. I try to find ways to void eating these dreadful vegetables.
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• ·      My friends with dogs always want me to love their dogs. But I can’t. I don’t like the smell of dogs, the tactile sensation of dogs and the fact that they tend to invade my personal space. I don’t like to be in their company. And so I struggle as I try to get the initial introduction of the dog over with,  finished. I try to pet the dog but then I just want to wash my hands. It’s as if when I touch the dog, part of that dog stays on my skin.
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• ·      I’m a rigid Democrat. So I struggled talking to rigid republicans.
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• ·      I struggle with depression. Sometimes days are just too hard.
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• ·      I don’t like to be in conversations with people who lack any curiosity. It’s hard to carry on a conversation with them. I struggle to maintain my patience as we speak.
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• ·      I struggle with math when I had to study mathematics. Who cares if 2X + Y = Z. It’s just not important to me.
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• ·      I struggle with organized religion. Having been raised as a Catholic I resent some of the things I was taught and expected to practice. My exposure to the Catholic Church has aided to my general defiance towards life.
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• ·      I struggled with chopsticks. For some reason when I am in China I get worse and worse in my agility with chopsticks the longer I am in China. I don’t get it. I should be getting better but I don’t.
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• ·      I struggled with reading. I am dyslexic. I spent all of my childhood in special reading classes which caused me great embarrassment. There are some days I can read without a struggle. But there’re other days I struggle with every word I read. This causes me great frustration and I beat up on myself these time. I treat me as if I’m stupid. And that’s a stupid way to handle my frustrations.
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• ·      I struggle with driving in reverse. It’s so damn hard for me and I can’t figure out why. I will do anything just so I don’t have to put the car in reverse.
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• ·      I struggle with my self-righteousness. Sometimes I could be petty and annoying when I think I am really right. It’s hard to reason with me in these times. I have to learn that I don’t always have to be right.
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• ·      I travel so much now the sometime staying home is a struggle. There isn’t enough to hold my interest in the familiar.
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• ·      I struggle with staying in the present. I think of ways to re-create my past. Then  I worry about the future. I worry about a slow death. I worry about living too long. I worry about being too sick to fend for myself. I need to spend more time being present at this moment. I need to be grateful for this moment.
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• ·      I struggle with my agility. My movement has become awkward and  clumsy. For no reason I will lose my balance. My hips are beginning to give out on the on me. I need to work on the flow of my movement.
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• ·      I struggle with a lack of community now that I am not working. When I was working I was surrounded by hundreds of people a day. It was such a treat go home to the solitude of my house. Now I have to make a concerted effort find community.
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• ·      I struggle with the death of my family and friends. I want to go next. I don’t want to go tomorrow. I don’t want to go for another 10 years. I don’t want to lose any more family members or friends. This is too big and strong a struggle.
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• ·      I struggle with going to the doctor. I don’t want to go the doctors anymore. I don’t do what they say. So why should I pay all that money and be annoyed buy their suggestions when how I can improve my health. I feel healthy enough.
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• ·      I struggle with ways to find meaning in life every day.  But  maybe that is a struggle worth pursuing.
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Sucking Water From The Hose

Sucking Water From The Hose

Mexico

Spring 2011

i don't know who was the rightful owner of this hot commodity but everyone wanted a piece of it.  The boys rinsed their heads and sucked on the end of it to help them cool down after they played soccers.  Before they could finish, a woman filled a five gallon water bucket and carried this heavy bucket home on top of her head. A man drove up and quickly washed the exterior of his car.  And then the hose went to the next group of boys to stumble upon it.

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Keeper of the Rice

KEEPER OF THE RICE

Haiti Family Initiative Summer Program

Jamel, Haiti

Summer 2013

Little, dirty fingers slide in to the palm of my hands. 

They grab on to my belt loops. 

They hang on my purse straps. 

They cling to my legs. 

They know I am the keeper of the rice.

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