Showing posts with label domestic violence; poverty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic violence; poverty. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Magdelena is Beaten

 Magdelena Is Beaten

Jamel, Haiti
August 2013

I am busily working at our summer program in Haiti when Madi, our 13 year old volunteer, comes 
looking for me.  She has just witnessed some boys beating Magdalena with sticks.  She called to them
 to stop and they ran off.  And so did Magdalena.  Now Madi is trembling with sorrow.
“I can’t believe it.  What should we do”, she asks me as she is weeping.
“I don’t know”, I tell her truthfully.  How do we intervene on behalf of this poor, pathetic girl who is viewed
as mad, an imbecile, a burden to the community?  She has no allies but us and we are leaving soon.  So 
what can we really do?

Madi and I find a place on the street to sit.  I rub her back as she attempts to calm down.  She speaks with 
sorrow of the injustice of it all. I am filled with sorrow for Magdalena and for Madi.  Both young girls now 
know just how cruel life can be.

“It isn’t fair.  Why can’t they just leave her alone?   She isn’t hurting anyone”, she cries in a meek, sad 
voice.  The injustice is just too much for her to bear.

“This is out of our control”, I tell her with too much defeat in my voice.  “It’s terrible but really what can we 
do?”  Madi is right but I too am at a loss as to what to do.  I have been on Haiti too long.  Surrendering to 
the injustices of the world is coming too easily for me.

Madi stopped them today but tomorrow is her last day in Haiti.  Who will intervene on Magdalena’s behalf 
tomorrow and the next day and the next day?

We sit in silence for a moment.    We decide to target a few boys in the neighborhood who seem to be 
leaders, boys with good character.  We seek them out. We get them to commit to stand up for Magdalena. 
We speak to them with an urgency to help us.  Several of them agree.  They will not only refrain from ever 
hitting her.  But they will intervene on her behalf if anyone else ever tries to beat her.

We then decide to approach the leader of our women’s group.  We will ask her to get these women to stand 
up for Magdalena.  I told Madi that I had already approached them earlier in the summer about being 
Magdalena’s advocate. Madi’s sweet voice and heartfelt request should surely solidify their commitment.

With our plan now implemented, Madi feels some relief, some control over this sad situation.  She is 
breathing a little easier.  As we sit and watch the rhythm of the neighborhood, Magdalena shows up out 
of nowhere.  She slides right next to Madi and leans on her. She puts her head on Madi’s lap.  Madi now 
rubs Magdalena’s back.

I suggest we go back to work.  So we all get up.  Madi takes Magdalena hand and guides her back.  
I slow down and linger behind them so that I can watch and enjoy this moment of sweet, innocent 
humanity.

For more stories about my time in Haiti, please of to Bridgetkellyinhaiti.blogspot.com

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

India- Spring, 1994


Madras, India

India, the land of color and exotic aromas, people, cows, noises, sounds, congestions, monuments, spices, beauty and ugliness. I love India. And I know that people either love India or hate it.  Me, I just love India.

We are to be in India for five days.  I am traveling around the world on a Semester at Sea program and we pull in to the noisy, crowded port of Madras.  We leave our air conditioned boat and are immediately attacked first by a wave of hot air and then by a wave of merchants.  We are under siege. They hawk trinkets and pipes and bananas, and shoes and black market money.  I look over and a man takes Jim’s body measurements.  I asked him what was doing.

“I’m getting measured.” Jim responded.

“For what?”

“I don’t know”, He shrugs his shoulders.

The man finishes his task with Jim and quickly comes over to me.  He is a tailor who makes  blouses for $3/each.  I let him measure me and I order two blouses. He is elated with his good fortune. He assures me that my blouses will be ready by the end of the day.

My conversation with the tailor is interrupted by a man, a few feet away, who claps at me.

“Madam, madam, over here pleases.  Thank you very much.  Over here please”.  He points to his black cab. “You will take my taxi, please madam.”

“How much do you charge”? I ask.

He stiffens up, became quite serious and speaks to us in a dramatic, humbled voice.

“Whatever you think is fair madam” He lowers his head as a sign of humility. I throw out a ridiculous fare because I didn’t really know what was a fair price but I throw out a number as a starting point of negotiation.

“$4 for the day “, I say with confidence but really, I am a little ashamed at such audacity on my part.

The man’s eyes lights up.  He jumps on this opportunity.  All four doors of his cab are quickly opened up and he ushers all five of us into his cab.  We get in quickly as we were anxious to get away from all the merchants and chaos at the dock.

Roger introduces himself again and welcomes us to India.  He speaks as if he has been sent from the Ambassador of India himself.  He wishes us well and speaks of pride of his beloved India.

At the end of an 11 hour day, we pay him his lousy $4. And he takes that money with such enthusiasm; you would have thought that he won the lottery today.

“I will pick you up again tomorrow” he tells us.  “And the next day too.  All the days you are in India.”  His tone is demanding but we don’t care.  We are relieved to have found someone who will usher us around.  We agree and he just can’t believe his good fortune. So we say our thanks and goodbyes and leave him on the dock.

 The next day, we gallop off the gangway of our ship.  Again, we are bombarded by taxi drivers, merchants and beggars.  We look around and can’t find Rodger anywhere. A man comes up to us and tells us that Rodger is sick. He won’t be coming today and this man has been sent in his place.  We are grateful and relieved that Roger has made such accommodations for us.  And just as we are getting in to this new cab, we hear Rodger calling to us off in the distance.  He is running, scurrying as fast as his roly-poly body can move.

“No, no madam.  You are coming with me” he shouts frantically.  “Come, come. We go now.  I was late. Sorry, I was late.”

We see the disappointment in this taxi driver’s face.  Just 30 seconds more and he would have had us.  And Rodger would have been left behind.

We get in Rodger’s taxi and he is still trying to catch his breathe.  “Why did you try to go with him and not me?”  He sounds hurt.

“Rodger, that man told us you were sick.  He said you sent him to drive us today.

“That man, he is a liar.” Rodger tells us.  “He is always cheating me.”  Apparently, Rodger had bragged to the others about his five day deal with us.  And so this man was going to lure us in to his cab in hopes of stealing this deal from Roger.

“I said I would come for you and I will come for you every day.”  He then proceeds to tell us that he had slept in his cab, parked by the dock just so he wouldn’t miss us.  We are speechless.

“Then we have to have a code” I say.  “In case you are sick, we need a code.”

“OK, very good plan madam. But I will not be sick madam.  I will come for you.  All five days. OK.”

We come up with a code word and Rodger seems relieved that we have again solidified our contract.  He would now have steady work for five days in a row. And with this reconfirmed commitment, Rodger steps it up a notch in his responsibilities to take care of us. He is now in charge of our agenda and we are all too happy to relinquish this role.

So he takes us to jewelry stores and rug factories and trinket shops and furniture makers. He would stand behind the scene and give us gestures as we attempts to bargain our way through a sale.  He gestured with his hands if the merchant’s offer was too high.  He gestured with his eyes if we are at a fair price.  And he was noncommittal if we throw out a price that was too, too low.  I guess he didn’t want to get blamed for any second guessing on our parts.

When we go to restaurants, he goes in first and checks out the restroom situation.  “OK, western toilets”, he whispers to us.  While this is not a requirement, it is always welcomed news.

He takes us to temples and monuments and shrines.  He takes us through the markets and shows us how to eat fruits and vegetables that were unfamiliar to us.  He takes us to tea houses, shamans, and Hindu monks.  He stops in the middle of traffic to let us take pictures of the cows clogging all the traffic.  And he gets us home safely, every night, ten to twelve hours after he picked us up in the morning. We are exhausted and he is grateful.

And the next morning, we greet him again. And we begin to bring him our soaps and shampoos from our cabins.  We fill a water bottle for him. And we give him gum and candies for his family.  And he takes all of these gifts with a genuine gratitude that stuns to us.

On the last of our five days we tell Rodger that we have to pick up sovereigns for our families.  Does he know some place for a one stop shopping extravaganza?  Yes, he has just the spot.  He takes us to a four story factory that sells a little bit of everything.

So off we go on our final India adventure.  It is a little bit out of town and not as congested as the port area. This little bit of space is a welcomed relief.  We finally have a bit of elbow room.

And as we are getting out of the car, we notice a woman has spotted us and she is quickly making her way over to us.  She is a young woman, nursing a baby.   She is on her way over to beg from us. We have been advised not to give to the beggars for a number of reasons.  Some families purposely maimed their children to make them more marketable on the begging circuit.  And some women pay a price with their husbands if other women in the village come home with money and they don’t.  They are often beaten.  Some children give their money to “the man” and they never see a penny of the money given to them.  So we were encouraged again and again not to support begging. But that is hard to do because poverty grabs hold of you everywhere you go in India.

 This young woman approaches us.  She puts out her boney, dirty, empty hand and then gestures that she was hungry.  She nurses her baby, her breast exposed.  It is tiny and wrinkled, dehydrated.  It looks like a dried up prune and I wonder how this child could get any nourishment from this frail mother, so thin, so fragile; she looked like a child herself.

 Sally weakens and hands her a bottle of water.  It isn’t what the woman really wants but what she really needs.  She takes it nonetheless. She bows her head in gratitude and then moves closer to Greg and again extended her empty hand.

Rodger intervened.  He claps his hand and says something to her in Hindi which causes her to move on.  Rodger than ushers us in to the store and not a moment too soon because we had now attracted a crowd of beggars.  They saw Sally hand something over to the woman so they start to make their way towards us to see if they could collect something, anything, as well.

In the midst of the crowd is a leper.  He is so disfigured that I can’t distinguish his arms from his legs.  He is underfoot of me and I am squeamish, repulsed by his broken body.  Rodger helps me get away from him.  And I am ashamed of myself but greatly relieved to break way.

The store is air conditioned and this is a welcomed relief from the 110 heat.  We are greeted by a merchant who asks us to sign his guest book.  He then proceeds to show us his wall of fame: every celebrity or politician who has entered this store in the last 50 years. The Clintons, Kennedy, Frank Sinatra and others have graced this store.  And they took our picture just in case we, too, someday, become famous.

The merchant claps his hands again and young boys emerge with trays of warm cokes and pots of hot teas.  And then the show begins. We are given a seat on a pile of rugs and then rug after rug rolls out before us for our review.  As the rug hit the ground, it would be snap for a flare of dramatics, hitting the cement floor with a sharp crackle.

Every rug is beautiful and filled with intricate details and craftsmanship beyond compare.  None of us are in the market for a rug.  But it is too entertaining to pass up the showmanship of the merchants.  Sally begins to barter with them.  But they think her prices are too, too low.  Sally assures them that these were prices other merchants had offered her.

“No, No, madam“, they correct her,”It is too low. No profit.”

With that, Sally whips out her video camera and shows them negations she had had with other rug merchants.  They laugh.  They have been caught trying to run up the price and they bow in defeat.

We spend about an hour with the rug merchants. And after both sides have exhausted each other, we make our way to the second floor where we buy saris, pots, carvings, pillows, artwork and lots and lots of odds and ends.  We all leave with two or three overstuffed bags and I don’t think anyone spent over $25.

We say our goodbyes to the merchants and make our way to the front door.  The rug merchants throw out one final low price. “Best deal madam.  I cannot go any lower.  We have better quality than that man in your camera.”

As someone opens the door, we are hit by a wave of intense heat.  But that shock is nothing compared to seeing 40 or 50 beggars who are sitting there just waiting for us.  They knew we had gone into this store two hours ago and they knew we eventually had to come out. So they all waited patiently on that scorching hot sidewalk.  They just knew if they didn’t get money from us today, then they weren’t going to get any money today.

So as we step outside, they all scrabble to get to us first. They outnumber us eight to one.  And our multiple bags of junk serve to hinder us. It was hard to see them as we are all trying to keep our bags upright. The beggars attempt to take our bags from us.  They pull on the bags and we pull back.  In hindsight we learned that they wanted to carry the bags to the cab for us in hopes of earning a tip.  But we didn’t understand their intentions at that moment so it too chaotic.

Rodger begins yelling.  He assures us that they are not trying to steal our things.  Then he switches languages and yells at the beggars. Then he would come back to English and tell us. “Hurry, hurry, get to the cab.”

We push our way through the crowd, filled with anxiety and shame.  It is shameful to deny them a few pennies when we had just purchased so much junk.

But, regardless of our greed and overconsumption, we just want to get away from them.  As I make my way to the cab, I feel a pull on my ankle.  It is the leper.  He is pulling on me.  I shake my ankle to get away from hm.

I make it to the cab and take the front seat.  My packages are secured in the trunk.  Relieved, I roll down the window and wait for the rest of the group to shake off their beggars.  With my left arm out the window, I attempt to turn on the radio with my right hand. My eyes were focused on the radio dial.  So I didn’t see him approach me.  But then he taps me on my arm and I look up to my left and there is the leper.  He has somehow hoisted himself up the car door and we are now face to face. He is inches from me.  And I am horrified.

“Rodger” I cry out, ““there is a leper on the door.”

Rodger is now behind the wheel. “Oh yes madam. I see him“, he says calmly.  “No worry, I will take care of him” he continues as he revs up the motor.  Now we are all safely in the cab.  So Rodger shifts in to reserve and quickly leaves the parking lot.  I close my eyes.  I just couldn’t look.  And by the time he puts the car in drive, the leper is gone. I don’t know what happened to him. I know we didn’t run over him. And I hope he got down in time. But I never looked back.  I didn’t have the courage to look back.  I just rolled up my wind, crouch down for a minute and tried to catch my breathe.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Friendship House


THE FRIENDSHIP HOUSE
Wilmington, DE
January 2011

What has the queen of England ever done to warrant her good fortune of wealth, fame and freedom from financial worries? The only true claim to fame is that she was born to the right family.  This was just the luck of the draw.

So was I.  I was born to the right family.  This good fortune has enabled me to live in an emotionally happy family; become well educated and feel loved: three great commodities to a successful life. And I have always recognized that not everyone is so fortunate.

 I recently  volunteered my time at the Friendship House. Among a variety of services provided, this organization collects clothing from middle class people and give them to poor people.

 I gathered a few pieces of clothing, from my pile of clothes, and took my meager offering to the warehouse.  Once inside the warehouse, my things were quickly taken from me and I was given a receipt for tax purposes and then quickly dismissed.  When I informed the woman that I wanted to volunteer a few hours of my time, she was taken aback.   She insisted that I sign in and designate my affiliated organization. I told her that I was here just as a volunteer off the street.  I had no affiliation.

“Oh yea, we got some of those from time to time. Your section is at the back of the book.  Sign here.”  So I added my name to the three other women who have volunteered their time this month.

Karen seems to be in charge that day.  She knows the routines and she assigned tasks to everyone.

“Well, ok.  You can hang things.”

 I was assigned my task and given my tools:  marker, tape and two types of hangers.  Quick instructions were given and then I was left to my own. But quite frankly, a whole lot of instruction is really not needed. During the course of the day, middle aged white women bring in bag after bag of used clothing.  They drop their bundles off at the door.  And then these volunteers tag them and hang them around the warehouse.

There were six of us working today: five African American women in their late teens/early 20 and me. We worked in silence and with a little bit of indifference to each other.  No one talked to each other.  The radio was playing and there was a humming from the heating system but there really was no conversation.  Everyone worked in isolation and deep within their own guarded thoughts.  Occasionally, they might talk to each other. Occasionally, there would be a question that only required a single word answer and then there was silence again.  And they definitely were not talking to me.

I was to work with Valerie who was not introduced to me and as a matter of fact, no one was introduced to me. I introduced myself and she begrudgingly murmured her name. I asked Valeria how often she volunteers here.  She tells me sharply “I put in my 20 hours a week”.  That is enough information to help me understand that probation obligations motivate these women to volunteer their time.

I thought I would initiate some general conversation.  I would pick a topic that was one sided, so that we could all agree with each other. I announce to the group “What about those courageous people in Libya?  Who would have thought that anyone would attempt to bring Kaddafi down?”

My statement was met with blank stares to me and darting glances to each other.  They looked at me and then put their heads down. No one knew what I was talking about.  And in hindsight, I am not sure they knew who was Kaddafi and where was Libya.

So, I just shut up and focused on today’s task:  hang up piles and piles of used clothing. And now, my confidence is shot and I struggle to find a new topic to bring up.

Valerie appears to be pregnant but I am not completely sure, everyone helping today has a weight problem.  So I decide to avoid this situation until she brings it up.  I didn’t want to make another faux pas.  Eventually she does tell me she is expecting her first child and now I can safely talk about something with her.

She is going to have a little girl and she is going to name her Julie, after her deceased mother. Valerie tears up as she mentions this tribute to her mother.  We both talk about losing our mothers too early.

Another woman joins us at the table.  She acknowledges Valerie but she ignores me.  They talk about where she might go for lunch.  She talks about her children and their deliveries and the price of diapers.  Both women do not look old enough to babysit, let alone have children of their own. She has a need to go the Salvation Army for some sort of assistance.  Valerie spiels off the hours of operation with the knowledge of someone who regularly uses the services of the Salvation Army.

Then there is a quieted, quick discussion between the two of them on how many hours each of them must complete this week for probation.  They conversation is hushed and spoken almost in code.  There is definitely no intention of including me.

Valerie tells me that she can’t find work just yet. So that is why she is volunteering her time here.  She will do this until she finds real work.  I reinforce the need to give back to society and she agrees with me.

She dreams of being a nurse.  As soon as her baby is born, she is going to take a course to become an LPN.  She thinks this career move will provide her with bring her good money, fulfilling work and job security.

And as I listen to her talk about how lucky she would feel to reach this goal, I dragged piles of clothes out of a large bin.  Blouses went on the wire hangers.  Pants went on the padded hangers and then tagged for sizes.  We place the clothing on a rack and someone else came along and took them and sorted them away by size, gender and season.

Music played over the radio.  And the commercials focused on an audience of poverty.  “If you are a grandmother and taking care of your grandchildren, you may qualify for food stamps through the WIC program.”

The phone rings and I hear Karen telling someone, ‘No, we need a referral first.  Have him go back to his minister and get a referral.”  Valerie told me that the general public can access this clothing only through a referral from a church or social agency.

There are lots of clothes in the warehouse today, an abundance.   I am a little baffled by all of this. The warehouse is in an improvised area.  So why was there so much in storage?  It is winter time and there are over 100 boys’ down jackets on one rack.  Why are they hanging there when they should be on the back of cold, young boys whose parents’ greatest sin in not making enough money?

Most of the clothes are “gently used”. Others have never been worn and still had the original tags on them.  Others were tattered and should have been relegated to the rags pile.  But no distinction is made.  Everything gets tagged and put in their proper category.

Slacks from the fine men’s stores do not have sizes on them.  I guess one of the perks of paying more money for expensive clothing is the luxury of not having to confront your size.  The sales clerk will take care of that. We went through a lot of jeans.  And most of the jeans are donated by people of abundance:  44X30; 36X32; 40X29.

I left after two hours to go to my class. My back hurt and I felt a little dirty from touching all that clothing. I gladly left this oppressive place to go someplace more pleasant. Today’s topic in my travel class: tropical trips to Borneo.  Maybe I will do there some day.  The probation women got to go home in six more hours to their dreamless world:  their prison of poverty, their luck of the draw.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

An American Tragedy


An American Tragedy
 Some families experience unspeakable violence.

As a high school principal, I often call the local police.  They would come at my request to handle student fights, and petty theft and small drug deals.  But when they called on me, it was because of something much more serious in nature.
So when I see a police officer making his way to my office this morning, I held my breathe.  Did I lose a student to death? Who had been arrested?  Was there a terrible accident?  The officer enters the main office and acknowledges me with a facial gesture; I wave him in to my office.  I close the door and he draws a breathe. “Steve Norton’s mother is dead, we just found her and I need to talk to him right away.”

Each year, I have a ½ dozen students who lost parents to death.  But the police were never involved. So this is very, very unusual.

“What about the father” Where is he?” I ask.

“Sorry, I can’t talk about him.  We are under investigation.”
That is enough said.  I understood the police think the father murdered the mother.  I call my assistant principal in and apprize him of the situation. I instruct him to call for Steve’s guidance counselor and then I want him to go and get Steve and escort him to my office.

Gary too asks about the father and I don’t hesitate to tell Gary of my suspicions. “The father may have murdered the mother.”  The police officer neither confirms nor denies this accusation but he flinches. Maybe because he had not been secretive enough and now the cat is out of the bag. Or maybe he is relieved that I spoke the truth and he wouldn’t have to be so evasive.
Within minutes, the guidance counselor is at my door and I don’t recognize her.  I forget that Denise left today on maternity leave and we have a substitute in for the next 12 weeks. There is no time to ask for her name which I knew last week but right now I completely forgot because the door opens up and in comes Gary.  Steve is trailing right behind.  I ask Steve to take a seat and he is intimidated by all of these adults in the room.  The police offices had his back to Steve and this perplexes him.

“Did I do something wrong? “ Steve asks worriedly.

I look to the police officer but he doesn’t turn around.  It is clear to me that I am going to have to deliver this awful blow to Steve.

“No Steve, you aren’t in trouble. Have a seat, sit down. I have terrible news to give you.”
He sits down and I blurt out the news, nervous and saddened that this boy has to hear this from strangers.  He is shocked, speechless.  He doesn’t cry. He just puts his head in his hands and shakes his head in disbelief.  He rocks himself. And we just stand there, dumbfounded.
I continue to mumble on because I don’t think I could take the silence. I tell Steve how sorry I am but my words seem so shallow.   I tell him he can come to any of us for help and I begin to introduce his new counselor, but of course, her name has not yet come to me.  And so I stumble over this introduction with an awkwardness that appears thoughtless, insincere.
Then Steve asks me, “What about my dad. Does he know?”

The police officer does not respond.  I ask Steve if he knows where his dad is.

“He should be at work”, Steve quickly replies.

“Where is that?” I ask nervously.

Steve gives the name of the company where his dad works.  The police officer writes this down.

“Steve, do you have a cell number for your dad.” I ask.

“Yea” and Steve whips put his cell phone. “I’ll call him right now.”

“Wait”, I tell him.

“Why?” He is confused.
“Steve”.   I draw a deep breath, “I think the police think your dad may have caused your mother’s death.”  I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth. I want to throw up. No one else speaks and we are all silent.  Steve is stunned.  He doesn’t know what to do or say.  He just wants to get out of here.
The police officer finally tells Steve that they are gathering his younger brother and sister and bringing them to the police station.  There is another sister, who was sent home from school earlier today, due to illness.  She was the one who found their mother, dead, straggled, on the floor.  She is already at the police station.
The police officer wants Steve to come with him to tell the younger siblings. He is not really coherent; he isn’t crying but he is visibly distraught.  He doesn’t want to leave school in a police car but he wants to break away from here.  So Gary offers to take him.  He wants to go to the middle school and get his brother.  So Gary and Steve take off.  The police officer finishes up scribbling notes and then he leaves.
Casey, the counselor, and I are left alone and we don’t know what to say to each other.  We are filled with sorrow and horrified by the ugliness of what just happened.  After a few, long, painful minutes, I say to her, “well, welcome to Springfield.  Nothing like a baptism by fire.” It is all I could come up with.  I have no words of comfort for her, this stranger on my staff.  We sit in silences for a few more minutes and then she nervously excuses herself.  I tell her she can go home for the day. She doesn’t go home but I check on her later in the day. She is numb and I tell her that tomorrow should be easier. But she knows I can’t guarantee that.  And I just hope that she will return tomorrow.

Within the hour, the story broke and I am getting phone call after phone call from reports.  I do not speak to any of them.  The Nortons live a block from the school.  So by the end of the school day, the house had been corded off with police tape.  Reporters and their trucks are stationed right outside and the house had an eerie, deserted look to it already.  All of my students charge over there and start their own investigation.  And everyone is abuzz about this family’s misfortune.
By the end of the day, the father turns himself in.  He is filled with regret.  They had been fighting again and he had had it with her.  So he started to chock her.  But he claims he never meant to kill her.  Now he is terribly, terribly sorry.  He cries into the television cameras.
To add to this drama, one reporter went to Mr. Norton’s father.  With no shame, no thought of his grandchildren, Mr. Norton Sr. claims that the mother deserved it.  ”She was a real bitch”, he thoughtlessly says, “She drove him nuts.’

That night, I spend the evening, alone, in the darkness, dazed, trying to comprehend what happened. I berate myself for not having been gentler. For not having the right words to comfort this child in my care.  But I know that there are no right words for this ugly kind of tragedy.

Yesterday, four children lived in a home with two parents who fought all of the time.  Today, they lost both parents: one to death, the other to jail.  They also lost their innocence, their sense of security, stability, their home, each other and a multitude of other emotions which will haunt them forever.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Brian Crawford Beats His Mother


Brian Crawford

1981


When I was 25 I looked 12 and I know that because lots of people brought that to my attention.  I had just secured a position as a high school counselor in rural Pennsylvania.  And I could hardly wait to get started in my new professional career.  I was on my way to save the children of the world.  So when I arrived the first day, ready to be a professional, there were comments on how young I looked.  But I dismissed these comments. While I did look young, I had confidence and a little cockiness.  I had just earned my Master’s degree in counseling.  I was from the city which I thought gave me a credential of toughness.  And I had been to Europe twice so I was worldly.

I was working at a school where most of the faculty was older and tired but not old enough to retire.  So they were disinterested in the students and the students were disinterested in them.  My youthfulness was well received by the students.

It was a heady time for me.  Kids flocked to me and feed my ego. I loved my job.  I loved my work.  Kids confide in me.  They told me their secrets, their stories, their fears.  I was entrenched in their lives.

I started my job in August and already it was November.  Thanksgiving was right around the corner.  And I was looking forward to visiting with my family to tell them about my good fortune.

So when Mrs. Crawford came in to see me, I was quick to talk to her about the upcoming holiday and family. She was hesitant in responding to me.  And she was teary.  She had not come in to talk to me about the joy of family.  She was nervous, jumpy.  And I realized she hadn’t said a word yet.

She sat down beside me and breathlessly said, “I need your help.  I didn’t know who to come to.  He doesn’t like anyone but he told me that he talked to you last week.”  She is now speaking rapidly, but in a whisper. She is talking about Brian, her son.  He is a senior and I did meet with him last week.  He seemed angry, like a simmer volcano.  He didn’t speak much.  But his anger filled the room, I remember.

Most of the students who came to see me welcomed the opportunity to talk about themselves.  I would allot a whole class period (42 minutes) to each student to talk, uninterrupted, without judgment.  And most students came in through the door, yakking, taking a seat and still taking as I ushered them out after 42 minutes.  But Brian had to be prodded to come see me.  He had missed three previous appointments.  But last week, I was able to track him down and get him in to talk about his graduation plans which were null.  He had absolute no idea what he wanted to do. He talked a little bit about guns and joining the military and killing people.  And then he laughed and watched my reaction.  And then I asked him what he liked to do outside of school.  He liked to hunt, to shoot at squirrels off his back porch.  While I was new to this world of hunting, I hadn’t heard of any student who shot animals just for the sport of it.

When Brian left my office after 15 minutes, I was relieved.  I didn’t like his presence.  I remember opening the window and airing out the room.  His smell of stale cigarettes and stale clothing lingered in the air. His anger hung in the air as well.

So it took me by surprise when his mother mentioned that he had told her about our conversation.
 “I really need your help” she said as she took off her jacket.  She was wearing short sleeves.  She turned and revealed her left arm.  It was swollen and bruised.  It almost looked broken.

She started to cry in shame. “Brian did this to me. He hit me with a spade.  He told me he would do it again. And I am afraid of him.  I’m afraid to be home with him for so long over the Thanksgiving holiday.  He’s going to hurt me again, I know it.  I need your help.  You have to get him to stop hitting me.”

I was weak at the knees.  I had to sit down; never, never could I have imagined that anyone would hit his mother.  I would never, absolutely never hit my mother.  I never knew anyone who touched his mother.  I didn’t know anyone who threatened to touch her mother.  Now, here was a woman, standing before me, humiliated and begging for my help.  And I was really afraid.  And I had no clue as to what to do.

She was now sobbing.  Her dirty little secret was out and she had surrendered herself to me to fix the problem.  So what the hell was I going to do?  I had no life experience to call on right now.  I had no words, no plan to give her. Then it came to me.  Get help.  Call on someone else.  So I got up, told her I would be right back and I went next door to my colleague.

Ken was the other counselor and he was also the football coach.  And Brian was on the team.  So he knew Brian.  And he wasn’t surprised to hear what Brian had done.  “He is one angry dude”, Ken said, shaking his head.  “Can you imagine hitting your own mother"?

Good, I wasn’t alone in my absolute disbelief.  I wasn’t alone in how horrified I was.

“What I should do” I begged. And at this point, I was really begging to turn this whole messy situation over to Ken.  I was lost in my own naiveté, my own lack of experience, my own unworldliness.  I realized I was just a kid trying to be an adult.

“Get him down here.  We’ll shame him.  You don’t hit your mother. We’ll call him on it.”

So we called to his classroom and asked the teacher to send him to my office.  In the meantime, I brought Ken over to my office and introduced him to the mother.  They both knew each other because of football and she seemed relieved to have Ken’s support as well.

There was a knock on the door and my heart raced.  The secretary announced that Brian had arrived.  I stood in front of the mother to block her from Brian’s view.  I didn’t think he would come in if he saw her.  And as soon as he was inside my office, I closed the door and stood in front of the door, leaving no room for Brian to bolt out of there.

I stepped aside and revealed his mother, a large woman who now seemed so small and defenseless, so damaged, almost childlike. Brian immediately welded up in anger, his ears and neck becoming inflamed.  He clenched his teeth and made a fist.  Tension filled the air.

“Sit down” Ken said. Brian didn’t comply.

So Ken raised his voice ever so slightly and gave the command again, “Sit down I said.”

And this time, Brian complied. Ken turned to Mrs. Crawford, his mother and demanded, “Look at her.” He pointed to her bruised arm.

Brian didn’t lift his head but I could see him lift his eyes and throw an angry glance at her.  She was trembling.  And so was I.  At any moment, he could explode and we would all be hurt, one way or another.

Ken continued,  ”this is your mother.  And you hit her.  And this will be the last time you hit her.  Men do not hit their mothers.  It’s wrong. And I don’t let anyone who hurts their mothers play on my football team.  If you hit her again, I am throwing you off the team.  Do you understand me?”

Brian nodded, meekly, broken, humiliated, angrily.

“We are going to check on you”, Ken continued.  “We are going to call your mother every week; if she tells us that you have touched her, you are off the team immediately.  And if you yell at her for coming here today, you are off the team.  Do you understand me? Men do not hit their mothers.  This stops today.”

Brian nodded again.  The coach asked him if he had anything to say to his mother.  Brian shook his head “No”. The coach asked if he wanted to apologize and to my horror, Brian shook his head “no”.  The only glimmer of hope came when Ken asked, “do I have your word that you won’t hit your mother again.”  And he shook his head “yes”.  The mother let out a sigh of relief and Ken dismissed Brian to go back to class.  I wanted to go home, I was worn out.

The mother got up and thanked both of us.  She was filled with relief and I was afraid that this was just temporary relief.  Brian was too much of a time bomb. How could she be so confident that it won’t happen again?

But she left, grateful and lighter than when he had come in half an hour ago. I did check on her after Thanksgiving. He didn’t hit her. And she spoke as if that dark side of him was over.

The next day, I drove home to my family for our Thanksgiving dinner.  As I looked around the room, candles were flickering on the table.  Food was being passed around.  There was a loud clatter of lively conversation.  My father said grace and enumerated our blessings. There was too much food.  I found myself staring at my parents and siblings and my grandmother, all of us enjoying each other’s company.  For a moment, I thought of my grandfather and wished that he was here with us.  Then I stopped myself.  “No”, I told myself, not this year, this day is not a day of regret; it’s a day to be thankful for that I have”. 

I gaze  back at my mother. And I looked at her so intensely that day, so full of joy.  I choked up, fought back tears. I was so grateful that I wasn’t plagued with so much rage. Grateful that we could sit at the table, eat a meal and be filled with the joy of each other’s company. Up to this point, I had taken so much of my good fortune for granted.  But not today.  The peace that permeated my family overwhelmed me with gratitude.

I imaged Brian’s  Thanksgiving dinner. I imagined no one talking to one another.  No one happy to be with the other. The mother with her bruised arm.  Did Brian feel remorse or shame on this day of thanks?

Then I looked around my dining room again.  I had a lot to be thankful for today.