Struggles

Struggles

I have a lot of struggles. I don’t think I have more struggles than others. But I do think my struggles may be unique to me.

• ·      I struggle every day to get out of bed. When I was working I thought I struggled just to get up so damn early. But now that I’m retired I see that I struggle to surrender to the day every day. I have to force myself out of bed every day no matter what time it is. This is a real struggle for me. 

• ·      I hate cooked carrots peas and lima beans. When I go to somebody’s house for dinner and any of these vegetables are served I struggled through the whole meal. I try to find ways to void eating these dreadful vegetables.
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• ·      My friends with dogs always want me to love their dogs. But I can’t. I don’t like the smell of dogs, the tactile sensation of dogs and the fact that they tend to invade my personal space. I don’t like to be in their company. And so I struggle as I try to get the initial introduction of the dog over with,  finished. I try to pet the dog but then I just want to wash my hands. It’s as if when I touch the dog, part of that dog stays on my skin.
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• ·      I’m a rigid Democrat. So I struggled talking to rigid republicans.
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• ·      I struggle with depression. Sometimes days are just too hard.
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• ·      I don’t like to be in conversations with people who lack any curiosity. It’s hard to carry on a conversation with them. I struggle to maintain my patience as we speak.
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• ·      I struggle with math when I had to study mathematics. Who cares if 2X + Y = Z. It’s just not important to me.
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• ·      I struggle with organized religion. Having been raised as a Catholic I resent some of the things I was taught and expected to practice. My exposure to the Catholic Church has aided to my general defiance towards life.
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• ·      I struggled with chopsticks. For some reason when I am in China I get worse and worse in my agility with chopsticks the longer I am in China. I don’t get it. I should be getting better but I don’t.
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• ·      I struggled with reading. I am dyslexic. I spent all of my childhood in special reading classes which caused me great embarrassment. There are some days I can read without a struggle. But there’re other days I struggle with every word I read. This causes me great frustration and I beat up on myself these time. I treat me as if I’m stupid. And that’s a stupid way to handle my frustrations.
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• ·      I struggle with driving in reverse. It’s so damn hard for me and I can’t figure out why. I will do anything just so I don’t have to put the car in reverse.
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• ·      I struggle with my self-righteousness. Sometimes I could be petty and annoying when I think I am really right. It’s hard to reason with me in these times. I have to learn that I don’t always have to be right.
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• ·      I travel so much now the sometime staying home is a struggle. There isn’t enough to hold my interest in the familiar.
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• ·      I struggle with staying in the present. I think of ways to re-create my past. Then  I worry about the future. I worry about a slow death. I worry about living too long. I worry about being too sick to fend for myself. I need to spend more time being present at this moment. I need to be grateful for this moment.
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• ·      I struggle with my agility. My movement has become awkward and  clumsy. For no reason I will lose my balance. My hips are beginning to give out on the on me. I need to work on the flow of my movement.
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• ·      I struggle with a lack of community now that I am not working. When I was working I was surrounded by hundreds of people a day. It was such a treat go home to the solitude of my house. Now I have to make a concerted effort find community.
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• ·      I struggle with the death of my family and friends. I want to go next. I don’t want to go tomorrow. I don’t want to go for another 10 years. I don’t want to lose any more family members or friends. This is too big and strong a struggle.
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• ·      I struggle with going to the doctor. I don’t want to go the doctors anymore. I don’t do what they say. So why should I pay all that money and be annoyed buy their suggestions when how I can improve my health. I feel healthy enough.
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• ·      I struggle with ways to find meaning in life every day.  But  maybe that is a struggle worth pursuing.
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