I'm Feeling So Much Helpless

I'm Feeling So Much Helpless

A Conversation with a Former Student in Bangladesh

Nov 21, 2020, 9:06 AM

Her message: Hi Bridget! Hope you are doing well. I'm S**** from Bangladesh.  Actually I'm facing some domestic violence and I couldn't find anyone to share this issue. Can I share these with you? If you don't mind. I'm feeling so much helpless.

My Response: Yes, of course you can. First, I hope you are in a safe place.

Her Response: No, actually my own father is the main culprit. He has beaten me and my sister so badly. My sister is younger than me. We don't have any job right now. So we can't move to a new place. I'm facing this from my childhood. 

But yesterday it was horrible. He threatened my mother, me and my sister. My mom is so helpless. As she is financially dependent on him also she has breast cancer. She need to take his money to buy her medicines. My father has some extramartial affairs. And my mom couldn't say anything about that as she is so some afraid if he leaves her and marry one those women. My mother don't want to share this with anyone because she thinks he will divorce her, and she has no place to go. She has been suffering this for a long time. I don't know how to deal with this situation. How can I get rid of from this person and this house. 

Can you please help me by giving me some mental strength? I couldn't focus on my studies because of these. Sometimes I become so suicidal. I have attempted it many times but failed. I don't want to die. My father always tells me that I will be a beggar, I can't do anything, I am bad at everything, he doesn't want to give my tuition fees as I'm now in a private university and it's costly. But for my good result my university is giving me a 30% waiver on my tuition fees. My last semester result was 3.88 out of 4 ( Electrical and Electronics Engineering Department). But he was never satisfied with my achievements. I have a dream that I will my Master's degree from Harvard or from any reputed university in USA. But he told me he won't give me my passport. 

Also he doesn't let me go out of the house. Again he told me that go and make your own passport. His elder brother's son had sexually abused me when I was in class 9. And my father know that. My parents didn't say anything to him. And in the other hand they told me to shut my mouth. Because if I told anyone they think no one will marry me! 

My parents are highly educated and lives in higher society. But my father has the cheapest mentality. I have went to psychiatrist so many times. I had major depressive disorder just because of my father and my relatives. My mom's side relatives abused me a lot. But my parents never bothered about it. I don't have any supportive relatives, friends on whom I can trust. I've just told you a little about it. Lastly I want to live a few more days happily. I want to commit suicide. I really don't want to.  I want to study a lot and want to earn a lot of money so I can leave this country soon. This place is not for me. Here I don't have any freedom, no freedom of speech.

My response: Emergency Contacts:  *National helplines: 109 or 999

I want you to call this number.  You need to get someone to help you now.  You do not deserve to be beaten nor does your mother or sister. Is there anyone of your relatives that you can stay with immediately? Do not worry about family shame.  Your father's actions are shameful and they have to stop.

Her Response: My mother doesn't let me to call those numbers. I tried to call them yesterday. But my father and my mother don't let me do that. Now my father is not at home. He is in his office. And I have no relatives like that. My relatives are all same. I don't trust them. And now the situation is okay then before. My mother is begging to me not to call them. She has no place to stay without this house. But I can't tolerate like her. She is afraid of divorce.

My Response: do you have neighbors who can step in and stop him if he become violent again?

Her Response: I don't know. Yesterday me and my sister screamed so loudly. But no one came. But I will call 109 if he become violent again. I have no other options. But he is a government officer and he has power. I don't know calling 109 will be helpful for us or not.

My response: You must have people to help you.  Do you trust any of you neighbors?

Her Response: Actually I have one neighbour whom I can trust. But now he is in Canada. But he has political and state power. I can call him. He can help me I think. We have a very good relationship with him. I think he won't be violent in next few weeks. Cause it happened to me before so many times. He will act normal. But again after months he will do this.

My Response: You need allies. Maybe this man and another man can tell your father that they will be checking in on him and making sure he doesn't hurt you.

Her Response: Yes. I know.

My response--They need to speak to your father before he gets violent again. this is not normal and you should not be treated this way.  What support do you need from me?

Her response- I know. But here I'm now a student and my sister is also. My mom is jobless and a cancer patient. My relatives are rich and powerful but they won't help. They are also the same.

My response- How Can I help you?

Her Response- Can help me by giving me some mental strength? I always need to be motivated to complete my studies with great grades. And about M.Sc admission in USA universities. And it will be a great help for me. I just need a little direction in which way I must study to get out of this country.

My Response-You need to go to the EMK Center as they have an office to help you study abroad.  They will work you through the entire process.

Her Response- Yes. I went there before this COVID-19 situation. I joined in there seminar about higher education in USA.

My Response: May I put you in one of our My Sister's Keeper project groups,  just to talk.  You would not have to give them any details of your situation but I think it would be some support for you.  These women would be allies.

Her Response- Sure. You can. If they support me, give me some mental strength that will be a great help for me. I lost all of energy. I can't concentrate on my study and other self development work. I need to help my mother and my sister. I need to protect them.

My Response: Yes you do and you can't do it alone. do you have a preference to work with joyce or cyd?

Her Response- No. But I have done my one module with Joyce mam. How about Sue?

My Response- I will make the arrangements.

Her Response- Thanks a lot

My Response- Done, I just sent a message to you, and Sue.

Her Response- Okay. Thanks a lot. I hope they can help me. Thanks again.

My Response- so your allies groups: (1) Your mother, sister and you.

Her Response- Yes

My Response- (2)- a neighbor or two who can step in when your dad become violent. (3)- this group

Her Response- Yes. They are.

My Response- do you have a group of friends who can be a 4th group?

Her Response- No. I don't have that type of friends. But my psychiatrist and my doctor can help me. They've my written statements against my father and my relatives. And they had threatened him and warned him not to do such things with me. But it was in 2017. But if I call them I'm pretty sure they will help me.

My Response- Great, make contact with them.

Her Response- Yes. I will.

My Response- I think you will enjoy this group.

Her Response- Yes. I'm also hoping that. Thanks a lot for supporting me. Again thanks a lot.

My Response-I'm going to bed now as it is 1:30 AM.  I will check in with you tomorrow.

Her Response- Okay. Good night. Thanks again🙂

My Response- STAY SAFE!!!

A FEW DAYS LATER

Her Response- Hello Bridget! Just to inform you that now I am in safe situation and my father didn't become violent again. Everything is fine now.

My Response- Good. But please be careful.

Her Response- Yes. I will.