The Recovery Room
Lankenau
Hospital
Philadelphia, PA
March 1981
The lights were intensely
bright, brighter than the sun. My eyes hurt. I tried to open them but was just
too painful. I could feel moisture around my temples I must’ve been crying. My throat
was raw and burning and throbbing. The pain was more than I could bear. It was
as if all the nerves of my throat had been exposed to the world and someone was
scraping them with a dull razor. My neck was swollen and my throat was dry. I
needed a drink of water. But how do I get any water? Where am I?
My body had no energy. I tried to set up on my
elbows but I could barely raise my hands. Someone had snuck in and drained
every ounce of energy out of me. It was an effort to think, to even remember who
I was, where was I.
The lights continue to blind
my eyes. I tried to shield them but I couldn’t. I can only lay there and feel
the pain. It grew worse and worse. My jaw was throbbing. Had someone punched me?
I tried to call out for someone, anyone. But when I move my mouth, no sound
came out. I was helpless.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I was in
pain. The pain was excruciating and piercing. How long have I been like this? I
had no control over myself. I cannot even defend myself if I had to. I can only
lay there.
There was noise all around
me. People running back-and-forth. They didn’t seem to have a destination. They
were purposely running around just to annoy me. This was so obnoxious. It
really irritated me because I wanted to be alone in my suffering. Instead I was
in the middle of this unknown chaos. No one spoke to me. No one noticed me. I
was alone in this busy crowd.
My thoughts were blurred. I couldn’t quite
remember where I was and why. The clock read 9:30. Is that a.m. or p.m. I
didn’t know but then it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was finding
a way to stop all this pain. I was desperate for help any help.
Someone came over to me. He told me not to
speak. He was a nurse. I just couldn’t keep quiet. I had to let him know about
my agony. I needed his help.
“Please, please,” I said desperately and anguish.
“I need a painkiller.”
“Quiet now. You just came out
of surgery. you have to rest your voice”. And then he walked away from me.
There were a few moments of silence. I waited for him to return to me but he
didn’t. He wasn’t bringing me a painkiller.
“Nurse!!” my voice was gasping. My throat was
burning. Now I was definitely crying. I was miserable.
“You’re going to have to be
quiet or you’ll ruin your voice. I can’t give you a painkiller now. Just as
soon as you get back to your room somebody will give you something but not
until then”. His voice was very stern and clearly communicated to me that he
was not going to help me. I was devastated.
It was 9:45. A woman was
wheeled beside my stretcher, to the right. She tapped me on my arm. I turn my
head to look at her. My temples were aching. For the first time the lights were
off my eyes. She was also crying. She looked haggard. She begged me for a
painkiller. I was so angry with her. Why did she asked me to get her a
painkiller when I couldn’t even get one for myself? I angrily told her “to shut up because I
wouldn’t share any painkiller with you, bitch”. She continued to cry and beg. I
wanted to get away from her. But that just wasn’t possible.
My pillow was too high. My neck ached. So I
tried to remove the pillow from under my head. I grabbed it but didn’t have the
energy to move it. This just frustrated me and added to my anger.
A man, another unwanted
intruder, was wheeled beside me, to my left. He took the top sheet off his
body, exposing himself. A nurse ran over and told him to cover up. He didn’t
pay attention to her and I barely have the energy to pay attention to him.
I tried to concentrate all of
my thoughts on how to make me more comfortable. I pulled and pulled and pulled
on that pillow. Finally, I was able to remove the pillow from under my head. I
dangled over my stretcher but for some reason, I couldn’t coordinate my fingers
to release it and let it drop to the ground. So I lay there with a pillow
dangling from my fingers. It was heavy and a challenge to hold but my neck left
a little better. I just had to release as much pain as possible from my neck.
As a nurse came over for the
third time to tell my new neighbor to cover up, she noticed my dangling pillow.
As she reprimanded the flasher and covered him up, using her right hand, she
grabbed my pillow with her left hand and stuffed that awful thing right back
under my aching neck. I felt so much defeat and frustration I began to cry
again.
The bitch continued to tap on
my arm and ask for my help. Using every bit of adrenaline in my body I
attempted to punch her. But my efforts amounted to no more than being able to push
her pale finger off my arm.
A man came into the room. He was wearing a
green surgical outfit and he walked with an air of authority and purpose. I
called to him for help.
“Doctor. Please,” I beg to him, “I need your
help”.
My call was not much louder
than a stage whisper but it got his attention. With his back to me, he murmured
something. But I didn’t hear him because I was concentrating too much on
getting his attention. Besides I didn’t care what he had to say to me just as
long as he could get me something to stop the pain.
“Doctor I’m a student. I’ll
have $18 in the bank. That’s all. But if you give me a painkiller, I’ll give
you all of it”, I pleaded with him in desperation.
Again he said something. I
couldn’t understand what he said but I saw him shake his head “no”. I was so
angry. Despair set in. I tried one more
appeal.
“Maybe I could ask my father
to give you more money,” I said with
complete sadness and humiliation.
“Sorry miss but I’m just an orderly.
I just came in here to pick up the laundry. I can’t help you”.
He bundled up a pile of
clothing and left and so did all my feelings of hope. I was never going to be
out of pain.
